My day to day life is a dance that pendulates between fear and love. I am simultaneously so brave and yet so tremendously afraid.
And, I do better in the big than in the nitty gritty small. I have the feeling that G-d is holding hands with me in the big. For example, when I pursue a dream and “fail”, I can accept it with open arms and an open heart. I am content that I tried, sense the bigger picture and trust that I am being lead to the right thing and what I am supposed to be doing. That’s when I am in the dance of love; a dance that flows and is smooth and triumphant and inspiring and elevated and bold and glorious and so in tune with the rhythm.
But catch me when I am all wound up about something that scares me deeply, something irrational that on some level I believe I have the power to control, and I am almost not in the dance of life at all. I operate and go about the motions in a robotic, fearful, holding-my-breath kind of way, as my mind darts to all sides and back again and my breath gets caught in my throat and almost vanishes altogether. My body gets so tense and I run from the sensation. Scared to experience it, I keep on running away, holding my breath, trying to determine my reality so tightly, so that it will just all be okay and I can find safety. That dance is stilted and jumpy and fast and so off beat.
This response evidently is a result of trauma, and comes from a time when I was little and scared and I didn’t really know how to deal with what came my way. Note: empathy for a little girl, me, who tried her best. A girl who made her way through murky waters and events to be here today. Tribute to a girl who reached with all her might toward the light; grabbing onto truth and health and balance wherever she could find it.
And here I am now. I am not in control of what happens. No. And actually that feels good, a kind of sweet relief. Knowing there is such a thing as destiny too.
But what I can choose are my thoughts, with awareness. Either thoughts that tear me right up and make me twitch and jerk awkwardly, or rather hopeful ones that lead me toward synchronicity and beauty and love.
I may always find myself taking turns tango-ing with both love and fear, but my hope and intention is to work on my thoughts, and work on myself, so that little by little I can find myself more and more spending my days stretching and spinning and soaring and tumbling to the beat as I hold hands in peace with life, and with G-d.