Things don’t remain the same. They either grow or decay, and without effort, my blog has lost momentum. But it’s not too late, and my plan is to revive and heal it. Make myself a space to write freely and to share with anyone who cares to be shared with.
I often feel it’s impossible to connect to the energy of this time with all its themes of renewal and return to who we really are (as the Jewish New Year approaches) yet perhaps for me its expressed in the simple act of finally sitting down to type.
My hope is that this new phase can be more dynamic and alive with more chatting and feedback. Please post comments – good or bad – so I can learn how to create a space that is nurturing but real and ultimately sweet and full of love. I so want to.
So, Noa may need heart surgery. Breathe.
How does any mother wrap their head around that?
You would never know. She is as passionate, vibrant, charismatic, energetic as always. She now says words with a New York-tinged drawl – No-a and No way, she has a brilliant sense of humour, she watches people carefully and she learns, she knows fiercely what she likes. And she spins circles round me as she delights, and excites over every little thing.
I just left her at crèche, and with the backdrop of potential surgery and not wanting to stress her out, I feel a little scared about our hard goodbye. Yes, I left her in good hands and yes, she knows so well that I love her, and that I am always with her. But her cries have stayed with me, and I feel a little stiff. Up until now I have tried so hard to meet her needs, to keep her happy, to keep her healthy. But it has been at my expense and it’s ultimately not good for her too. I have always believed that a happy child is one with a happy mom, and so why should it be any different with my child? But it’s difficult; my instinct is to protect at all costs.
She has her own destiny in life I’m told. And life is not a fairytale; struggle can help make a person enriched and wise. But I nonetheless pray for her recovery and ask you to pray for it too. Noa Tziporrah Bat Liat.
And on that note, this collection of thoughts for the day is over. I am trying (more or less) to stick to my allocated time so that I can be sure to not overdo and thus to be in my writing chair tomorrow, sharing even a thought or two. Hope to hear from you too.