“Keep them safe and keep me sane” is the prayer that I mutter madly to myself as I hand my girls over with relief to the babysitter. These days I’m bursting for space, and to write. To concretize and share all what whirls within and to make waves in the world.
The moments spent doing another load of washing, tidying up the same toys and shopping for the same food I did yesterday and then cooking it seem more and more demanding and invasive of my time and self. The energy to engage actively with my children is simply not there. So I get through my day a little bit dazed, a little bit frantic, one step at a time, just aiming to survive till bedtime when I know I will – hopefully – get at least an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep.
But simultaneously I know for sure that one day I’ll look back at this time with raw longing. And I’m reminded to take it all in. The endless rolls in my baby’s arms, her shrieks of glee and her exuberance as she charges around, the sincere questioning by my 3 and a half year old as she vigorously goes about trying to figure out the world. The privilege of being so absolutely adored.
Recently, in London, I found myself experiencing a deep yearning for two of the most trying years of my life, when I was in London in my early 20s. When I was living them, they felt a bit hard and endless as I groped about trying to figure myself out and life. But now in hindsight I see those beautiful years for what they were. And I miss stuff about them that back then I took for granted – the freedom to do whatever I wanted at any time of day, and even the bitter-sweet sadness. And this is a powerful reminder to me to be in this present moment. Even when I am at breaking point at the end of the day and cannot possibly handle one more request for another drink, another story, an explanation on something I really don’t know how to explain.
There’s something so intense about raising little people. You wish the days away, though you know you will one day view them with wonder.
May we all be blessed to fill our days with balance and fulfillment so we can enjoy to the max and as much as possible to bring the clear light and perspective of hindsight into our now.