As Is

 Life  No Responses »
Mar 032012
 

Desperate for a shift. For routine, structure, movement, balance, normalcy, creativity, support and air.

Yet, with all my conscientious efforts to create this, here I am stuck at a dead end. And no signs, which makes it hard for me pragmatically because I believe in signs. And, I believe in not settling for the unsettling.

I resist the lack of flow. Try to make it happen, to force a plan. And still nothing. What am I doing wrong? What energy am I putting out there that is blocking simplicity and revelation? Sigh. The sluggishness of resignation overtakes.

But, I have choice. I can choose to be with this experience. Choose to be tranquil and patient until a solution arises. Choose to believe that life leans toward me, as she says. That things will fall into place in the right time. To still the mental chatter, tune in to the frequency of reality, open my arms up and accept. Infuse with the energizing force of hope.

 Posted by at 9:30 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , ,

Unnecessary Apologies

 Life, Motherhood  No Responses »
Feb 272012
 

A moment of awkwardness as I explain away the fact that unlike what I expect they expect, she does not like to be held. I fumble an apology feeling like in some way it must be something I did wrong or differently or abnormally to create a baby that is not all gaga at being cuddled by strangers, albeit well-meaning ones. And so I mumble how she actually loves to interact with strangers from a distance, or that she takes time to warm up. Why? Why explain? Would I like to be hugged, kissed and stroked up close by someone I met 30 seconds ago? And as her mouthpiece for now, what kind of message am I sending to her by not making her appropriate and obvious needs my absolute priority? First time mother’s insecurity, shaky self-esteem, fears of others perception and judgement? So, in my mind, I look her in the eye and say sorry, and I catch my own eye too, and remind us that we are enough. And, accept us deeply and completely.

 Posted by at 1:07 pm  Tagged with: , , ,

To Know

 Life, Motherhood  No Responses »
Feb 222012
 

She is right. I know. I know when I know and I know when I do not know. And knowing is beautiful.

Right now I do not know. And I want to know. So I am trying very hard to feel as if I know.

When I do not know for sure, I enter the world of doubt and rationalizing and this is a world that can suck me up and I can get lost in forever. Pluses and minuses, trying to weigh it all up, analysing, stuck at the level of the mind. Even when one side comes up higher than the other, it can still feel not good enough, like you don’t know.

I believe in dreaming big, in not settling or compromising where it’s important. I am uneasy to accept anything less than perfect. An imperfect perfect is fine, but something that feels perfect for me. An answer that is clear, good and right. A reality that flows. Enter the world of intuition.

I believe that when you know exactly what you want, and concretise it, namely by writing it down in list format, it comes to you. It is delivered to your doorstep. Each time I experience this, I am as amazed, surprised and happy. How simple. When you work on yourself enough and know what is good for you, and put it out there, the world gets very busy very quickly making it happen.

So I write a list again. I refine my list, and hope that I am able to magnetize the right thing in, today, and know.

 Posted by at 7:09 am  Tagged with: , , ,

Somebody That I Used To Know

 Life, Music  No Responses »
Feb 122012
 

Gotya featuring Kimbra on You Tube

I should be sleeping. But instead I’m eating cornflakes, dancing inside and killing this song. Alive. Delirious. Shivering. Alight. Overtired and energized. Somebody that I used to know.

I want to be wise. I want to be good. I want to see. I want to be me. I want to be unafraid (shove aside thoughts of my imminent wake-up). Be patient. Accept. Be compassionate. Be. Rise above. Listen. Dance. Scream. Run.

I want to get up in the middle of the night and wander the streets, wonder about the stories behind each wall. Marvel at a banana peel and the shared life within us both. Seek. Play with answers. Splash around. Love the seek. Bathe in the boldest colours of life.

Somebody that I used to know.

 Posted by at 1:35 am  Tagged with: , ,

Where did she go?

 Music  No Responses »
Feb 022012
 

Turn the music on. Turn the volume up of soul. Live with soundtrack, for that’s the only way it makes sense. The good, the bad, the pretty and ugly all become beautiful. The sounds render the madness of life beautiful. Give life the distance it needs to become poetic. Re-ignite the curiosity and passion.

Where did she go? The girl with an edge now fumbling around trying to be the same. And not the same. Trying so hard to find others as messed up.

Behind the giggle, sweetness, apologies and faraway look is a bold and wise woman.
Behind her heavy shuffle is the grace and lightness of a ballet dancer in full twirl.
Behind her slouch is poise and sparkle.
Behind the effort-filled circle dancing on the outskirts is memories of effortless movement and finding her most magnetic, powerful self on the dance floor. Who uplifted and carried those around her. Dawn. Energy. Life.

Now she goes around in sad circles. Hating herself for not finding herself as she peers in all the wrong places.

The answers are clear within. The music brings the truth to the surface.

She’s here. And, it’s going to be okay.

 Posted by at 10:47 pm

She says Bye. Bye Bye.

 Life, Motherhood  No Responses »
Jan 102012
 

Photo by Roman Gonzalez

She says bye. Bye Bye.

We named her Noa because we liked the sound, we liked the feel. We named her Tziporrah (bird in Hebrew) after Danny’s late grandmother Feige (bird in Yiddish). It was not conscious at the time, but prophetic perhaps for Noa shares the same root as movement in Hebrew and birds fly freely. And now she says bye. Bye bye.

A perfect fit and no co-incidence with my soul’s obvious need to exercise attachment and separation, a recurring theme throughout my three decades of life.  Bye. Bye Bye.

I heard it said from somebody wise that the role of a parent is to teach children to be captain of their own ship. It’s all about empowering them to become independent. And already now, at almost one, she says bye. Bye bye.

She is fiercely attached and paradoxically confident and independent.  She is content and safe in our bond but I sense her curiosity. She wriggles nonstop toward me and then away, a constant ebb and flow. And as she sits, and as she moves, and as she steps, she says bye. Bye bye.

Bye is her first word (apart from mamma and abba) that she understands and loves. How obvious. And she babbles bye bye away constantly and emphatically, reminding me of how raising a child seems endless in the moment but ends all too soon.  And that the time will come that she will go off into the world, and say bye. So I hold her close, kiss her sweet cheeks and much to her delight, reply: bye. Bye bye.

 Posted by at 11:48 pm  Tagged with: , , , ,

My Village

 Birthing, Health, Life, Uncategorized  No Responses »
Jan 102012
 

Photo by Constantin Jurcut

They say that a baby is raised in a village.

I see the scene before me.

The mother nurtured back to health after her primal home birth by a community of doting mothers and aunties and grandmothers who sit around the kitchen table preparing big pots of nourishing soup made with love. Advice is dished out. Wisdom is shared. Hair is plaited. Secrets are revealed. There is laughter. Some harsh words too. Hurts from the past and dreams for the future surface.

The mother is restored not only by the actual caring but also by the feeling of being cared for. In the cocoon of love and support, she has the strength, energy and presence to attend to her baby’s needs and learn its ways. When the time comes for her to re-enter the world, she is forever changed but ready.

The modern day village can be different.

I emerged from the hospital broken after an overdue, long, hard, slow, dehydrated, Pitocin-filled labour fighting epidural and doctors who threatened C-section. Though I was proud of my birth battle, I emerged the other side worn out and completely daunted of a task I have resisted my whole life.

I wanted to lie in bed with the covers over my head, but never was it less an option. And so, I put one foot in front of the other and looked just slightly ahead, like I learned to do in long distance running.

Until I find myself looking into my village co-partner’s worn-out eyes, almost one year into the one foot in front of the other, beyond exhausted after taking turns rocking our baby to sleep. Longing to put one foot behind the other and walk steadfastly back to moment one.

And start afresh. Detach from the inner whispers of expectation and the drip of adrenaline keeping me going. Ask for help unapologetically. Sleep. Recoup. Sleep. Nurture. Sleep. Pray. Sleep. Breathe. Sleep. Let go. Sleep. Trust. Sleep. Tap more into the power of a wider village. And sleep.

.

 Posted by at 10:47 pm  Tagged with: , , ,

I Saw Us

 Uncategorized  2 Responses »
Nov 292011
 

Photo by Joseph Hoban

This morning, while dancing my runny-nosed daughter to sleep, in tears from lack of sleep and respite, I saw us. In the mirror. She saw us too, and started to laugh. Which made me laugh too. Which made her laugh. And, I saw us. One of those moments when you’re in the moment and you’re above and within all at once. Her marvelling at the reflection, which she loves so much, and delight at my wet tears and equally snotty nose. Me, at the absurdity of life, my own inner child, the imperfections, the expectations, the need to prove something, to feel something, the chasing of my own tail just to feel like I am in the race. I saw us. Innocence. Purity. Playing. Joy. I felt the music hug us and I hugged back and danced and enjoyed and flowed for a few moments. She fell asleep. And as I tiptoed up the steps on my way to put her down, I saw us. Me, slightly broken from a year of giving, choosing the hard way and not enough balance. I saw us. Moms. Mammas everywhere. So many different childhoods, pasts, situations, challenges, talents, dreams, fears, hang-ups, hair types, skin colours, head coverings, ways, futures, potentials, yearnings, choices and destinies. I saw us. All wanting the best. All trying so hard. Giving so much. I saw us. Saw so clearly how vital it is that we give to ourselves too, that we give to each other, that we’re real, that we share, that we forgive, that we see ourselves from above more and celebrate. And dance.

 Posted by at 10:24 am

What we Water

 Life  No Responses »
Oct 272011
 


There are two ways to go about making change in our lives. One is where we focus on our weaknesses and work on improving them. The other is all about our strengths, and working on developing our talents and abilities and doing what we love.

For too long, I have devoted far too much energy to the areas I am poor in, and daily I am left feeling almost paralyzed by my challenges, stuck and frustrated. I am in need of the air and energizing results of doing what I am good at, what comes naturally.

My endless list of endless tasks, primarily bureaucracy and admin, overwhelm me. I exert 100%, tick one thing off my list only to discover a few new horrible items on the list. Like the feeling I get when working out on a treadmill: so much effort and no movement. Without the balance of significant accomplishment in the areas where I am strong, I am finished. I am sad. I am exasperated.

The remedy?

Firstly, to celebrate my achievements and reward myself for the one small thing I tick off the list. To stop judging myself so harshly. To accept my weaknesses more, and continue to strive to improve them, but for them to take on the proper place and importance in my life. And for this, I need to know my bigger goals and priorities and to make headway on them, so that I view my challenges as a necessary part of making my dreams come true, but not the point of life, not the way in which I measure myself and my daily success. Life really is where we put our focus.

May we all bring in more joy, do more good, work hard in stuff we love, and be motivated by the treat of seeing results. And water the areas where we easily grow and flourish and feel free and alive.

 Posted by at 6:28 am  Tagged with: , ,

hindsight, foresight and insight

 Life  No Responses »
Oct 252011
 

Image courtesy of Kati Garner

One powerful way of learning to appreciate what we have is to think how we would view and perceive our life if G-d forbid something bad had to happen. Things can change in an instant for better or worse, and you can look back at just a few moments before and wonder how you never realized just how wonderful you had it. Like people in times of war.

I bless us that we live in the moment with this idea and not take for granted a thing – the richness of our life, the wow factor in being able to see, smell, hear, touch, breathe and taste, the simple joy in being free.

 Posted by at 5:25 am  Tagged with: , , , , ,
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